HUGH SELBY gets a growling request to stand up for ‘the doggie sensation of our times, Bluey’ in the face of a political imposter that has brought untold shame and distress, not only to her but to everyone in her family.

It’s the first time I’ve ever received a work request written on strips of greaseproof paper, rolled around an authentic artificial, but long-lasting, dog’s chewing bone.

It was posted to me via our dog door after some recent heavy rain. No noise, but paw prints in the mud leading to and from the gate.

There was a longish message that was still readable, despite some of the letters being messed up by the water. It said:

“Dear Selby, we need your help to get this message out to all those people walked by our fellow true blue canines.

We put them on leads. We sniff everywhere to give them time to think about the things that matter: for example, varying our diet, a better dog kennel, a winter blanket. We even arrange mock fights in the dog parks so that we can play matchmaker for shy humans.

We do it for: teenagers sent outside, cut off briefly from their devices, by their parents; those who have a pet instead of a human baby; divorcees who want real, instead of fake affection; and, the bereaved who need a companion before they too meet their maker.

None of this is easy. Thousands of years after we branched off from the human-eating wolves there has been scant improvement in the human condition.

We’re at our wagging tail ends. They’re not listening. One reason, oh, so obvious, is that so many of them, on the way out the door, pick up the green or black poo bag, too few treats, and their ear pods, or worse, much worse, those headphones that would double for Antarctic ear warmers. Those things even drown out sustained barking.

In modern times we’ve seen humans occasionally recognise our extraordinary talents.

The Lassie series is still a benchmark, we’ll skirt around about what was intended for those 101 Dalmatians, then there’s the true loyalty of Hachi at the railway station, A Dog’s Journey (which is sort of metaphysical), and let’s not forget our very own Red Dog, just another example of how important kelpies are.

Selby, you too must be a kelpie or at least infused by the kelpie tradition. We’re told that you accidentally learned to speak human words by watching TV when your adopted humans were asleep. We’ve heard all about your adventures when our humans have been reading the Selby Series by Duncan Ball and Allan Stomann to their pups.

Well done, we say. We’ve avoided trying to do that, having seen what happened to the cat Tobermory. That feline was far too clever and brash. As Saki (HD Munro) explained in 1909, the humans Tobermory mortified decided it was their reputations or him. He lost.

Which brings us, and you, to the reason for advancing you a bone.

No doubt you still watch TV, so you’ll be aware not only of Muster Dogs (all seasons on ABC iview) but also of the doggie sensation of our times, Bluey.

She’s a blue heeler, as is her dad, but her mum and sister are red heelers. As you know they have a long and proud tradition of being cattle dogs, well able to deal with cantankerous cattle and harsh conditions.

Just as importantly they – blue and red alike – are honest, decent, loyal, caring and compassionate, not at all interested in fomenting strife, causing trouble or harm to others. 

The whole family is beside themselves with humiliation, all of that brought about by a look-alike Bluey being shown on an animation series called Please Explain and in kids colouring-in books.

The cartoon series seems to amuse a certain kind of human, the sort that promises to go on a walk, but then snores loudly on the TV couch and passes foul wind.

The appearance of this pseudo-Bluey in those animations and books has brought untold shame and distress, not only to her but to everyone in her family.

You know, of course, that blue and red heelers nip at heels, hence the name. They do not commandeer cars and attempt to run down humans. The mere thought is ludicrous.

Just as absurd is the idea that she might be held up by a crocodile brandishing a knife. Any crocodile silly enough to try that sort of action would lose a good part of its nether regions.

Peppa Pig might be terrorised by a knife-wielding crocodile, a blue heeler never.

Bluey is adored by her fans, fully grown humans and their pups, in the UK, China, the US, and countries in Africa. The merchandising is helping the Australian balance of trade.

To have all of that destroyed by two politicians, one of whom doesn’t know the first thing about loyalty and so defected from one party to another, and the other who ran a fish and chip shop, so knows all about hamburgers with the lot, the leftovers being a treat for all good dogs – how unAustralian, disloyal, and cringeworthy.

Are they not traitors?

Selby, have a word in their ears or bite them. Make them understand that our hero Bluey is totally off limits. Enjoy the bone.”

When on two legs, Hugh Selby writes as the CityNews legal columnist. 

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