CLIVE WILLIAMS’ Whimsy column runs every two weeks. Sometimes his signature joke at the end is lost to space limitations. To make amends, he’s written a column for this ‘in between’ week – and it’s ALL anecdotes!  

“Comedy script writing is one of the few trades that doesn’t have to fear competition from the Japanese.” –Denis Norden

I’m told that some readers of Whimsy only read it for the joke at the end. Sometimes it’s left off in CityNews due to space limitations. 

To make up for the missing anecdotes, here’s a column that’s ALL anecdotes.

People’s sense of humour may be different, and I recognise it would be unwise to give up my day job. Anyway, here you are:

AT two am, a doctor’s mobile phone rings. Both husband and wife wake up. The tired husband says: “It must be a patient calling. Tell them I’m on shift at the hospital and left my phone at home.”

The wife passes this on, and a voice responds which the husband also hears: “I’m so sorry to bother you, I was simply needing the name of an emergency medicine for our son’s abdominal pain.”

The now embarrassed doctor whispers the names of a couple of options to his wife, who repeats them to the caller. Then the caller asks how to administer them. The husband whispers that too. The caller thanks her and says: “That’s very kind of you, madam – may I just clarify one thing? Is the person with you also a doctor?”

THERE was Fred with a long face sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to him, grabs his drink, and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”, he says, menacingly. 

“This is the worst day of my life,” Fred responds, “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man, and then her dog bit me.

“So I’ve come to this bar to work up the courage to end it all. I bought myself a drink, I dropped a poison capsule in it, and I’m sitting here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

A TRUE story: Russian mathematician Abram Samoilovitch Besicovitch was notoriously thoughtless. One day he drove a couple of hours to visit an old friend. When he arrived, the two hugged each other warmly and soon began talking about mathematics.

After a while, his friend said: “Well, Abram, it’s time for lunch. Let’s have a bite to eat.”

In the afternoon, the two continued their conversation. Five or six hours later, the friend said: “Well, Abram, it’s time for dinner. Do you want to join me?”

Besicovitch happily accepted the invitation. But his friend pointed out: “Shouldn’t you call your wife? She’s probably worried about you. Maybe she’s waiting for you at home.”

“No,” Besicovitch replied, “she’s not worried. She’s waiting in the car.”

A COMPUTER engineer, a systems analyst and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to stop on a safety ramp. They all got out of the car.

The computer engineer said: “I think we should turn off the engine and restart it.” The systems analyst said: “I think we should rotate the tyres.” The programmer said: “I think we should drive it back up the hill and see if it does it again.”

THE Highway Patrol State Trooper (obviously in the US) was having a slow day when over the hill comes a 100-mph speedster. The Trooper pulls him over and says to the driver: “I’ve been waiting all day for you.” The driver says: “Well, I got here as fast as I could.”

A MIDDLE-aged man gets stopped for speeding in his treasured red Corvette. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walks up to the Corvette, looks at his watch and says: “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today’s Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off.”

The driver pauses for a minute then says: “Years ago my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a nice day” replies the Trooper.

YEARS ago I was flying into Burbank airport in California. The two-hour flight had been quite bumpy, but we landed without incident. Upon landing, a flight attendant made the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, we had a special person on board today; he is 86 years old and even though we had a bumpy flight, he was calm the entire trip. Let’s give this man a round of applause.”

The entire plane responded and clapped loudly. The flight attendant then came back on and said: “Captain Peterson really appreciates your response.”

Clive Williams is a Canberra columnist