Columnist HUGH SELBY shares a secret memo, leaked from the very top of Tramalot Castle on London Circuit, that purports to come from the government’s Media Management Unit outlining its strategy to ensure our Dear Leader – currently overseas again – is undisturbed by the outspoken, rowdy miscreants at CityNews. We are seeking further comment as to its authenticity, but for the moment, here it is…

M E M O

From: Media Management

RE: Resisting the carping negativity of CityNews

Our lifelong leader has asked me to draw to your attention how we are to respond to the unrelenting, carping criticism that CityNews makes about the great leader.

Let me remind you that our Andy already has the triple leadership rating to which the Donnie aspires: One L for leader, two Ls for long leader and three Ls for life long leader.

Beginning next week all media releases will refer to our “Triple-rated Chief Minister Andrew B”. 

We are dropping any longer reference to his surname as it provides parody opportunities.

Next, we must deal with their negativity. It’s a criticism of both our people and our messaging.

As evidence, have a look at their negative take on our territory-wide sound financial management, our commitment to delivering the best health services in the nation, our cohort of contented teachers, the plethora of rehabilitation programs in our adult and juvenile corrections, our nation-leading public housing approach, our much praised property rating system, the innovative, cost curtailment arrangements of our big infrastructure projects such as the shiny red tram, and the unstinting and generous support that we give to sporting and cultural endeavours.

If anyone thinks I am exaggerating, please supply the published “positive spin” piece that refutes the above summary.

It doesn’t end there, not by a long shot. They accuse us of condoning inept, counterproductive services such as: an integrity commission that strives to avoid transparency and accountability of its own processes by hiding behind a claim of parliamentary immunity and a contracted ombudsman service that can’t meet its own KPI’s.

Their bevy of writers never misses the chance to heap scorn and derision upon our policies, our decision making and the important services rendered by those independent offices.

One time city planners, former politicians – along with a sometime treasury official – moan about public finances, and a barrister not good enough to be a senior counsel makes out he grasps legal issues.

The reporting, their opinion pieces, the letters to the editor in response, all share a fixation with looking for the negative angle.

The upside, such as it is, comes from the medical columnist who, contrary to experience, thinks that kindness pays, and an eccentric with a John Le Carre aspect who writes about “whimsy” and loves roaring about Asia on vintage motor bikes.

To all of these, for a touch of class, are added a food critic. a wine critic, a gardener, a clutch of culture vultures, and, as a sop to youth, a streaming critic who should be in shorts.

If I had time I’d cut and re-paste further up this email the weekly public scourging administered by the invisible Mr Shoosh. 

If I thought any of the deeply asleep Oppo members could draw then I’d put money on it being one of them. But they can neither wake up nor draw, so we must look more closely within the inner sanctum for this devious, treacherous mole.

It’s as plain as plain could be that they’ll come after our Triple-L-rated chief minister for flying off overseas again to promote the territory as a place to holiday, to study and to invest.

Seriously, what better use is there of his time and talent? Pouring concrete for tram tracks is not much of a photo opp. This is emphasised by the once flourishing, now failing businesses, that are alongside the proposed tram lines. 

We hit the nail on the head when we said the tram would bring City Renewal. No one explained that the renewal would follow small business desolation.

Nothing newsworthy comes out of the Assembly. It’s not as though people are going to park their cars to better hear on the radio a Keating-like dismembering of an Opposition member. His targets were, at least, awake.

Though Andy’s raring to go, these overseas promotions of Canberra take their toll; however, no one gets to be a Triple-L-rated leader without effort and sacrifice.

As he turns his mind to how to best serve the capital and the nation it’s clear that the role of a roving ambassador will best use his many talents.

This year he has selflessly been to China, the Pacific and Japan. Now Thailand beckons.

Think of these trips as terrific work experience (with training wheels) from which Canberrans have and will benefit.

He has his sights on being Albo’s first triple-A-rated roving ambassador. Chris Steel, prepare yourself. It’s time.