“We can’t thank Auntie for giving space to those schools on Canberra Avenue that are using the running down of two non-voters to press for changes to protect other non-voters as they cross the road…” HUGH SELBY finds his political imagination eavesdropping.

Deep inside the ACT government’s meeting room on London Circuit, the cabinet is in session, discussing the great issues that arise to manage our city state (aka territory). We listen in…

Keep those bloody windows shut and the curtains drawn. The noise of that tram work on London Circuit makes it hard to be heard and hard to think.

Did you see Auntie’s interview of what’s his name, the opposition Senate candidate? Unbelievable, for most of the time we got him sideways, while the frontal shot was of the interviewer who looked and sounded good, didn’t he?

A “wanna be’s” mistake. And that’s what he’ll remain: out of focus and out of our attention.

We can thank Auntie for that, but we can’t thank Auntie for giving space to those schools on Canberra Avenue that are using the running down of two non-voters to press for changes to protect other non-voters as they cross the road during the morning peak hour and then again around 3pm. 

Yeh, well I wish we could wring Auntie’s bloody arms off but we can’t, so how do we deal with this?

Um, well, we need to recognise that these non-voters, unlike stray kangaroos and wombats, have voting parents.

Not an issue, that’s non-Labor heartland down there in Manuka, so doing anything for the non-voters is not going to get us the votes of their parents.

Right, so our concern is our voters who are travelling that road from our ‘Bundah, or Weston or wherever. If we put in 40 kp/h zones that start around 8 and go through to 4 they are going to be irritated five days a week (or at least on those days they’re not working from home). 

Uh, all the supply trucks, tradies and others going both ways between 9.30 and 2.30, a good number being our rusted-on voters, are going to have to slow right down when there’s nary a non-voter to be seen.

All they will see are our white speed camera vans capturing funds to offset our gargantuan red tram interest bill. That might be so irritating that the rust dissolves, leaving them free to run after the independents, or, perish the thought, The Greens.

Keep on message please: our Federal colleagues are digging deep to help with the funding of that steel and concrete megaproject. Katy will be forever our saviour.  

Did you see that proposal to repaint all those vans in the tram red colour and have the slogan, “Thanks. Your pain is our gain” on the van roof sign. So much better than, “Your speed has been checked”.

Stop wasting time. I know you said that that we didn’t want to put our  interminable 40 kp/h speed zones on major arterial roads, such as Canberra Avenue, because they would slow the flow too much, but we all know that’s a problem we created.

In NSW there are school 40 kp/h zones on major roads all over the place (for example Victoria Road, Ryde Road, Pacific Highway) but they run 8.30 to 10, and then again from 2.30 to 4. Funnily enough those are the only times when the non-voters are out and about. Traffic flows are just fine.

We put out the message that the “way before to way after school hours” regime was for safety reasons. We knew it was nonsense but we’re stuck with it. The reality is that it’s to raise revenue, so very obvious when the vans are outside Radford and Burgmann while their non-voters are sitting at desks inside. 

How about we make an exception and use the 8.30 to 10, and 2.30 to 4 for zones on Canberra Avenue?

Oh my god. How are you here? Have you learned nothing? Never admit error, not even obliquely. Never explain – which is often required after correcting. Look at what has happened to the soon to be ex-leader of the Federal Opposition. He made a promise to get workers back into offices. Did it for his funding mates who have empty office space here, there and everywhere – that’s my guess. Then he fatally reversed it.  

Donnie declared Liberation Day and then did a U-turn. Look at what has followed from that debacle. You can almost see the jaundice moving down his face.

How about we change the school zone times to be the same as NSW? We say that sometimes it is better to follow a national approach, even when we’d prefer not to.

What about the lost revenue from the vans, you idiot?

I have another idea. It even got a mention in the Auntie piece. We promise to put in a pedestrian crossing with traffic lights. That shows that we are responsive, caring and using technology.

Won’t work. The non-voters will ignore the red “Do not walk” and step off the pavement into a voter travelling at 60 kp/h, texting on their phone. 

After we took back their hospital, I don’t want to attend a funeral in the cathedral, thanks.

This is so much more difficult than AUKUS!

Author Hugh Selby is CityNews columnist, principally focused on legal affairs. His free podcasts on “Witness Essentials” and “Advocacy in court: preparation and performance” can be heard on the best known podcast sites.