“Microsoft, one of the most successful corporations in the world, cannot accept or process a new subscription until the existing one has been exhausted… Their mighty software has a glaringly stupid glitch.” Columnist HUGH SELBY goes searching for humans to fix his software problem. What could possibly go wrong?

Let me share a recent experience with a customer call centre. “Why bother?” you say, “Their purpose is to fob off the customer. And, in case, Mr Selby, you haven’t noticed, they are likely to be successful”.

I agree, dear reader, which is why I’d like you to keep reading, asking, “Will AI replace nearly all call centre employees within two years, or less?”

I admit to some pleasure over the decades in successful consumer claims against Expedia, Jetstar, a now vanished computer company, a wayward investment adviser who ripped off an elderly client, and an airport-based “foreign exchange” provider.

The amounts were never large. Why did I do it? Because it honed my litigation and advocacy skills. Self-interest gave me the impetus.

Just a couple of months ago I was full of perverse admiration for an overseas company that induces its online customers to get some quick, good advice for very little outlay, but has in the small print that they then bill you monthly for a rather larger amount until you take steps to cancel.

Seeing that larger debit on my bank account I contacted them. A slick operation. The money was back in my account, with an apology, very quickly. They know that most of their customers caught that way will simply forfeit one, two, three month’s subscription and then cancel. 

Resolute whingers like me should be stroked and refunded. That’s chutzpah, served well.

Which, frankly, made it all the more surprising that Microsoft, that mighty behemoth of software, cloud services, gaming products, and hardware is so hopeless at dealing with a straightforward problem.

Here’s the simple background. Many readers now pay an annual subscription to use the Microsoft suite of software applications, Microsoft 365.

Last year the prices for those subscriptions jumped, but it’s a case of what other software can you easily use instead? We grimace and pay.

Microsoft added its AI feature, Copilot, to the package but neglected to tell its customers that they could opt out of having the AI and have a cheaper subscription.

A while back our ACCC called out Microsoft’s neglect. This was followed by Microsoft stating that customers could move to the no AI suite, called “Classic” and refunds would be made.

It’s true that much of today’s world passes me by. Even so, I don’t need AI on my software. When I will need it, my befuddled brain won’t remember that it’s available.

Hence, with my subscription renewal date fast approaching I waited, in vain, for a message from Microsoft that I could just have Classic.

I use Apple. I had purchased my Microsoft subscription through Apple. I went on to the Apple site. There was nothing from Microsoft. The option of switching to the cheaper Classic was not available.

Not a problem, or so I thought. I went to my Microsoft account, on Microsoft. This was a couple of weeks ago. I couldn’t sign up to Classic.

Stupidly optimistic, I used their online chat feature. You know, the small box down at the bottom of the screen. It’s already AI unless and until you request a human. I did.

The problem is that the human or humans on the Microsoft site are trained to repeat ad infinitum responses that are only marginally different to that of the AI, and they are no better at resolving an issue.

I was told to cancel my Apple-based subscription and then sign up afresh on Microsoft right around now, not earlier or later.

Being risk averse and instruction compliant I cancelled my subscription on Apple. A screen message confirmed it was cancelled, but would be active for the two days until the end of the subscription. 

With cheery optimism I went back to Microsoft to pay for the new Classic subscription. There would, I imagined, be a seamless transfer from the sub with AI to the sub without AI.

Many sentences and paragraphs of chat later, first with nameless AI, then a human, and then that human’s human supervisor we reached a dead end.

Microsoft, one of the most successful corporations in the world, cannot accept or process a new subscription until the existing one has been exhausted. It matters not that they have verified the customer identity, have the payment details, know that the old subscription has been cancelled. 

Their mighty software has a glaringly stupid glitch. It is inconceivable that I am the first or only customer with this problem. There are likely many cases. It’s a software problem.

I will have no access to my Microsoft software until their accounts renewal software approves. How long? Don’t know. 

I’ll bet that there are many Aussie customers who have been thwarted in their attempts to change over to the cheaper Classic plan.

It is also likely that there are many Aussie customers who don’t know that our ACCC is pursuing Microsoft for its grab for extra cash.

Far too much unsatisfactory experience on Microsoft chat has convinced me that the pleasant, but useless humans with whom I dealt will be redundant soon. They are not permitted to show initiative.

I wonder how soon the upper management too will be replaced by AI.

Come back, Bill Gates.

Former barrister Hugh Selby is a CityNews columnist, principally focused on legal affairs. His free podcasts on “Witness Essentials” and “Advocacy in court: preparation and performance” can be heard on the best known podcast sites.