Celebrity couples therapist HARMONY HEARTBREAK shares the heartbreaking transcript of the session when legislative lovers Andrew and Shaney broke up…

As a celebrity couples’ therapist, no couple has occupied my time as much as Andrew Barr and Shane Rattenbury – the legislative lovers Canberrans have dubbed “Shandrew”. 

But irreconcilable differences have now led to a very public divorce. The duo of dreams has descended into dust. 

However, dear readers, I can now share with you the transcript of my last session with the progressive pair, where the once bonded believers tried to resolve their fractured relationship and address their electoral dysfunction.

Harmony: Thank you both for coming. Let’s start with you, Shane. What seems to be the problem?

Shane: [nervously sips a kale smoothie] Well, it’s Andrew. He wasn’t very nice to me during our last term of marriage. He made me look like a fool in front of all my Green family. It was like I was just making up the numbers for him. He kept boasting to people that he was the one doing everything in our marriage. The awful things he said on the campaign trail… [starts crying]

Andrew: Calm down, calm down, my love. You know I don’t mean what I say to the press. It’s just locker-room talk with Jasper and Bushy… they love it when I talk bro-to-bro with them. 

Shane: Well, things need to change, mister [cries and is offered more tissues]. You need to be nicer to me!

Andrew: And I will, Shaney, I promise. Look, I’ve already got some great ministries lined up to give you. 

Shane: [sniffs] Such as?

Andrew: Well, I was thinking, instead of attorney-general, you could be the new ACT Minister for Ethical Bike Paths. Imagine that? Making sure Canberra’s bike paths are no longer involved in arms dealing or offshore slavery? Also, what position should our bike paths hold on the war in Gaza? It doesn’t get more important than that, my love!

Shane: No, you’re just trying to trick me again! The kids and I deserve better than this, Andrew!

Andrew: Oh, here we go… your Green kids. You know damn well they’re not the sharpest pencils in the ballot box. I can’t have them in charge of the till or fronting customers. 

Shane: You’re one to talk! What about your Labor kids! Chris Steel is dimmer than a Tuggeranong street lamp but you put him in charge of the till. And Yvette…

Andrew: Look, let’s not involve our… challenging… kids, okay. 

Shane: You brought it up. It’s just another sign you don’t respect my Green family. That you take us for granted. 

Andrew: Take you for granted?! Jesus Christ, Shane. I bought you that precious tram you wanted!

Shane: Yeah, but you painted it red instead of green. It was like it was your tram instead of mine. No, I’m going to leave you Andrew, and sit on the crossbench. You’re on your own!

Andrew: But Shaney. We have so much in common – Qantas Chairman’s Lounge membership, ministerial perks, lots of staffers… You don’t want to leave all that, do you? 

Shane: [crying] But how would my Green kids respect me if I continued a loveless marriage just for those material things? Besides, I saw what you did with your new lover… Mr (so-called-independent) Thomas Emerson. Getting him to sign a pre-nup like the one we once had. Have you no decency!

Andrew: What? Are you trying to slut-shame me?! Yeah, I always thought you weren’t a true progressive! Unlike you, you conservative prude, I’m open to polyamorous relationships with anyone… Well, as long as I get to be the one on top. 

Shane: [throwing his kale smoothie at Andrew] You’re worse than climate change! 

Andrew: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a tram!

It was at this point that mysterious violins rose in a curdling chorus. Andrew grabbed his coat and strode off into the sunset to tell his kids they all had new management positions. While Shane retired to Terra, his mansion in Braddon, to sob on his staircase and wish that tomorrow might be another day.