“Sometimes one comes across toilet oddities, such as the hotel in Albania where the toilet was located in the shower cubicle. It could have been a builder’s error, but was actually quite practical!” writes Whimsy columnist CLIVE WILLIAMS.

“A gentleman is someone who gets out of the bath to go to the toilet.” –Freddie Truman

“My mother is so neurotic. She spreads toilet paper on the seat even at our relatives’ house. At the dinner table.” –Wendy Liebman

It might not have occurred to you to think about the design of toilets at foreign destinations, but when you travel as much as I do, it pays to know what to expect and to be on top of the situation, so to speak.

Around the world, toilet designs vary widely, reflecting different historical, architectural and societal considerations. 

American toilets are characterised by relatively shallow bowls that hold a pool of water. This design serves several purposes: the water pool helps to suppress odours by immediately submerging waste, faecal waste in water is less likely to stick to the bowl, making cleaning simpler, and it has health considerations. 

However, American toilets typically require more water per flush compared to other systems, leading to higher consumption in regions where water conservation should be a concern.

In parts of Asia, the Middle East, and Africa, squat toilets are the most common design. They feature a ground-level fixture over which users squat. This design has significant cultural and practical reasons for its prevalence: a squatting posture positions the body naturally for elimination, reducing strain and promoting complete bowel emptying.

This posture also lowers the risk of conditions such as haemorrhoids and constipation. Squat toilets use less water than traditional Western designs, making them more environmentally sustainable in water-scarce regions. 

In some cultures, direct contact of one’s buttock with a toilet seat is considered unhygienic – squat toilets eliminate this concern. Squat toilets are also simpler to construct and maintain, making them ideal for developing countries. 

Despite their advantages, squat toilets may pose challenges for elderly or disabled users, requiring good balance and physical effort to stand up that can be difficult for some.

Japan is renowned for its advanced toilet technology, particularly with bidet-style toilets. These toilets often include heated seats, water jets for cleaning, air dryers, and even sensors to control flushing and lid movement. The emphasis on hygiene and comfort in Japanese culture drives these features. In public toilets, music or white noise are added to ensure privacy.

Many European and Western countries, such as Australia, prioritise water conservation, which has influenced toilet design.

Dual-flush systems, where users choose between a low-volume flush for liquid waste and a higher-volume flush for solids, are standard in most homes and public facilities.

Additionally, toilets in parts of Europe often include separate bidets, reflecting a cultural emphasis on cleanliness.

In Western countries, toilet paper remains the standard due to historical and infrastructural norms. Recycled toilet paper is of course not paper that has previously been used in a toilet, it’s paper that’s been recycled to become toilet paper. In India, water-based cleaning of the anus is favoured, with the use of handheld faucets or buckets.

Sometimes one comes across toilet oddities, such as the hotel in Albania where the toilet was located in the shower cubicle. It could have been a builder’s error, but was actually quite practical!

In summary, toilet design worldwide highlights the intersection of culture, technology and environment. Each system addresses particular needs: some countries prioritise comfort, some hygiene – and others sustainability or low cost. 

Incidentally, the “poop” deck on a sailing ship had nothing to do with pooping. Poop in this case originates from French “la poupe”, meaning the stern of a ship.

On a lighter note: A pirate stumps into a bar and the bartender says: “Hey Pete, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened?” 

“What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.” 

“Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” “We were in a battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine now, really.” 

“What about that eye patch?” 

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye.” 

“You’re kidding,” says the bartender. “But surely you couldn’t lose an eye from a little bird poop?”

“Probably not – but it was my first day with the hook.”

Clive Williams is a Canberra columnist