“A year or so down the track, under the first Hanson-Joyce government, we will all be free to enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke in public transport, our classrooms and in our restaurants,” writes a sardonic HUGH SELBY.

Wonderful news.  One Nation, our government in waiting, is going to make smoking cigs affordable. About time. 

Every socially awkward, anxious member of our community will be able to light up and smoke themselves into poor health and an early, unpleasant death.

Down goes life expectancy, up goes unfunded, long-term health costs, but who cares, providing they vote the right way?

There’ll be a lot more smoking among those migrants who had plans to bring family members here. With the pollies raring to outdo one another on cutting down immigration numbers it’s going to be a long, anxious wait, with stained fingers clutching the cigs.

But who cares about migrants? Working hard in aged-care, factories and on farms they’re not visible to the rest of us, especially to those who are gifted a plane to get around this wide, brown land. Out of sight, but not out of mind, because they are the perfect group to demonise.

A year or so down the track, under the first Hanson-Joyce government, we will all be free to enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke in public transport, our classrooms and in our restaurants.

Oh, the nostalgia. Bring back the days of yore, being able to light up an expensive, foul-smelling cigar in a trendy restaurant and send smoke rings across the room – the trappings of power in motion.

But wait, there’s more

It’s not going to end with lowering the tax on cigs. The equally awful tax on alcohol must go, too. 

No doubt that announcement is in the One Nation goodie bag for gullible voters.

But before that, with cost-of-living pressures, housing shortages, lack of affordable  dental services, stalled productivity and wage stagnation, there’s no better solution than letting everyone dip into their super.

I’m with Pauline and Barnaby. It’s criminal to stop people spending their retirement savings in their 30s, 40s and 50s on cigs, cheap booze, betting and whatever else they want to do, before the last piece of some minable mineral leaves our shores.

Better to live now, because there is no hope, no tomorrow, once the quarry runs out.

It’s hypocritical for our major party politicians to bang on about belt tightening and thrift, and saving for tomorrow, when they have signed us and our children up to a money-burning, obsolete red tram, and an even more absurd deal where we suffer to hold up the US and UK submarine industries.

Encouraging smoking, using retirement savings today: put those alongside the major party commitment to encourage, yes encourage, problem gambling. That’s because they are beholden to the gambling interests.

Politics is a gamble. The odds are improved by spending bucketloads of money. The gambling lobby is generous and strategic with its full buckets.  The gamblers and their families have holes in their empty buckets. Does anybody not understand how it works?

CityNews has a wonderful cartoonist in Paul Dorin. I reckon he can create some One Nation Aussie Normies: family members aged from eight to 80 sitting around a screen showing some sport, but with the cameras spending more time showing the big ads for cigs, beer and place another bet; with empties on the lowboy table; the room enveloped in a heavy nicotine smoke haze; and, everyone pushing buttons on their phones to place bets. You gotta be in it to win it. 

Meantime, Pauline and Barnaby already have the votes of all those horrified by the un-Aussies who want to celebrate their weird lifestyles in this or that street parade or what do ya call it festival. 

When Pauline reportedly said that sex stuff is private and should stay that way, all right thinking people said, “about time”. 

Behind closed curtains it’s all okay, all of it, except when the building decades ago was a Sydney church. Then it’s not okay.

Pretty much all domestic violence disappears as an issue when in front of the curtains is the test for concerns. Make the refuges “user pays” to dissuade the escapees.

Pass the fish and chips

One Nation’s Kool Aid is attractive, leading with the notion that it’s always the fault of someone else, and that selfishness is a virtue.

The long wait is over. Together we can make Australia great again. All we have to do is whinge and whine, be selfish, and put our trust in One Nation.

Just do as tens of millions of Americans have done: vote for your fears, not your  dreams. Look at how well they’re doing these days.

Remember Flanders’ and Swann’s Song of Patriotic Prejudice. I’ve taken liberties with their lyrics that you can find unadulterated here.

Aussies, true Aussies, they’re really the best
So up with true Aussies and down with the rest!

It’s not that they’re wicked or naturally bad
It’s knowing they’re foreign that makes us so mad!

Gimme a tinnie or two. Pass the fish and chips, please.  And the sauce. And an ashtray! 

Hugh Selby is a CityNews columnist.

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