The Peter Principle asserts that a person continues to receive promotions up to that point where they reach a level of incompetence. Columnist HUGH SELBY cheekily urges Mr Dutton and his followers to reflect on this. 

Crime, crime and more crime, from one end of Canberra to the other, that’s what my news feed was giving me on Sunday, the day intended by the Maker to be a day of rest, contemplation and tranquillity.

You’ll appreciate that something diverting is needed to push aside that relentless negativity. 

Even if I was religiously observant it was too late for morning service and evensong was too far away. In the early afternoon the escape might be watching the cricket (or rewatching amazing catches in Sri Lanka), going to the pool, or going out into the garden to clean up the never-ending deluge of falling leaves and bark from large, inappropriate, ACT government street trees.

The government-supplied green waste bin full to overflowing, another bin full still on the ground, gritted teeth, go back inside away from the noisy thunder (clearly warnings from Him) and search the internet for calming therapy.

Thanks be! There’s an online Therapy Store that sells the answer to my angst: they have a “slimmer, more active Mr Potato Head that has more holes than he used to and more facial features! You will love putting his nose where his ear should be and building many different versions of the original potato friend”.

From time to time, fate or artistry play cruel tricks, such as the oil painting of the horse rider and the horse with similar face features, or the multi-coloured figurines made by English potters of ugly, vicious dogs whose stocky, gnarled, whip-holding masters looked much the same as the dogs.

These wall and mantlepiece tricks do not explain how our wanna be prime minister has been saddled with the Mr Potato Head moniker. Even The Australian joined in the fun some months back, a move that suggested the label could be positive, not wholly negative.

That’s a thought that runs counter to “putting his nose where his ear should be”. Or does it? He had his ear to the ground and his nose to the wind, and his nose to the ground and his ear to the dog-whistling perennials of crime and immigration, in his recent besting of Albo on the mandatory minimum terms for certain hate conduct. 

He so terrified dear Albo that Labor didn’t even put a sunset clause into those provisions – an obvious approach for anyone who wasn’t running around terrified. 

But positive or negative, I don’t want the international media later this year reporting our national politics, or our relationships with the Emperor Donnie and other international figures, under the headline, “Aussie Potato Head says”. It’s not a good look is it? Not for him, and not for the potato.

What’s not to like about potatoes? They have a range and adaptability far beyond that of our career politicians. Potatoes can be washed, then peeled or not, before being boiled, mashed with mayo and parsley and chives, roasted or air fried with bacon bits and sour cream, hashbrowned, served as potato scallops, and – let’s leave the best to last – chips. Chips thick, thin, long or stubby, salted, chicken salted, tomato sauce, spicy sauce, whatever sauce takes your fancy.

Contrary to common error the potato did not originate in Ireland or in Europe. The Spaniards found it among the Inca Indians who had used the time it took to cook a potato as a measurement of time. Strangely it took many decades before Europeans recognised its value. Meantime, it was “out of place”.

Peter excelled as the minister for dealing nastily with “would-be” refugees. His public persona has never had any time for these “out of placers”. Not even potato time. From 2014 to 2021 his portfolios covered Immigration, Border Protection and Home Affairs. Then he briefly had Defence.

The Potato Head moniker is inapt, even inept. A much better image is that of Aladdin’s magic vessel, that lamp – the one that when rubbed releases the genie who grants wishes. Visualise Peter’s head as that shining, metallic work of art and the light it brings to the lives of those around it (Please put aside his lack of understanding about the complexities of the middle east.).

To date, the rubbing has always been to the right. That explains his politics. If only it was rubbed the other way, then the endearing, compassionate man could be on display.

Those who mock this theory should remember Malcolm Fraser, he who bested our Gough. Post his time as Prime Minister, Malcolm’s life was filled with good works, so much so that his likeness to an Easter Island statue was an endearment. 

In 1969 (the year before Peter’s birth), a timeless analysis was published, setting out the Peter Principle. This asserts that a person continues to receive promotions up to that point where they reach a level of incompetence.

I urge our wanna be prime minister, one time Minister for Bullying and War Toys, and his supporters, to reflect on this principle. There is a light in his magic vessel but ’tis but a flicker, not a shining beacon of hope.