“Once infrequent, there are now more motions passing through the ACT Legislative Assembly than through the portaloos at the Multicultural Festival,” writes SHUSH CAPITAL in this week’s KEEPING UP THE ACT. 

This term of the ACT Labor Government (aka the low-rated TV series, Yes Chief Minister) has been marked by motions.

A motion is where one MLA stands up and asks the other MLAs to agree on an idea that occurred to them in the shower that morning. 

Once infrequent, there are now more motions passing through the ACT Legislative Assembly than through the portaloos at the Multicultural Festival. 

Motions this term have included banning artificial grass, calling on some shops to open later and allowing cats to travel on public transport. Worthy enough, but I’m not convinced our MLAs are getting to the issues that really matter to Canberrans.

So, we humbly submit the following motions for consideration.

ACT GEOLOGICAL STANDARD TIME

That all ACT Government project timelines be expressed in geological eras to improve accuracy. This would include an archaeological-layer diagram to show the successive depths of abandoned completion dates. 

L-PLATES FOR CHRIS STEEL

Given Chris Steel’s is perpetually learning from his mistakes, that a permanent learner’s permit be attached to his body as a warning to anyone approaching him. For the further protection of Canberrans, that Chris accrue demerit points that may ultimately prevent him from driving any ministerial portfolios.

FROM THE SKY TO THE LAKE

That the government publish a timetable for its election commitment to restore the Birdman Rally, while also honouring a broader public wish that every government minister go jump in the lake.

STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS BEFORE 

That the ACT Government adopt a circular-economy target requiring 100 per cent of old announcements be recycled into new announcements by 2028. 

THE CANBERRA DOLLAR

That Canberra adopt its own currency to reflect the mysterious change in value of Australian money once it crosses the territory border. Thus, $100 million of infrastructure elsewhere becomes $800 million in Canberra dollars. 

LIBERAL CERTAINTY

That any Liberal MLA using the phrase “when we form government” be required to specify a century. Further, that the position of Leader of the Canberra Liberals be officially recognised as the ACT’s most renewable resource.

REWARD POINTS FOR REVIEWS

That all ACT Government reviews carry over to future reviews and accrue reward points. Reach nine reviews in a row and get the tenth review for free.

A LICENCE TO LICENSE

That the new ACT Developer Licensing Scheme require every builder to obtain a licence proving they are licensed to apply for all the other licenses that they are required to be licensed for. Also, that the government simplify construction regulation by establishing one central office where builders can be directed to the other seven offices. Finally, that a Builder Protection Scheme be introduced to protect builders from excessive licensing schemes.

PRESS RELEASE NUTRITION PANEL

That every ACT Government media release includes an ingredients label. For example, “Contains 45% aspiration, 34% spin, 20% recycled material and 1% actual outcome.”

THE BARR FIFO MOTION 

That the chief minister’s role be formally reclassified as a fly-in-fly-out position with the chief minister to become the ACT’s principal export.

NEVER BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME

That all of the previous Canberra Stadium studies be classified as fantasy and compiled into a box set called Game of Domes. 

GREEN FLEX

That all Greens’ criticism of Labor carry the disclosure, “Previous involvement may apply”. Greens MLAs should also be issued with yoga mats to improve flexibility and stretching when opposing policies they previously supported in coalition with Labor. 

MOVING TARGETS
That every ACT Government target be mounted on castor wheels to ensure targets are easier to move when approached.

BIG DRY

That Big Splash be renamed Big Dry until further notice, and that swimmers at Canberra’s remaining pools be issued hard hats in case their pool suddenly becomes an apartment construction site while they are doing laps.

So, come on MLAs, let’s get to it! Canberrans are frustrated that the Assembly is wonderfully regular when it comes to motions, but strangely constipated when it comes to progress. Think of our suggestions as the fibre you need to get things moving.

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